a thousand blue fish

So I have been absent for a bit No real reason, just life And a serious. serious lack of finance But all is good Ok kinda good I am creating and trying things I haven't for years I studied fashion designing and should be quite a compitent creative, designer type person But I don't do well with criticism For some silly reason when I make something I want people to like it If they don't I generally stop creating Our financial siuation and a sewing lesson I helped with reminded me I am semi-skilled So I started making stuff  The next bunch of pics are of my creativity in action I am proud of myself as I have made two pairs of pants for Alexander, 1 for a friend of Alexander's, 3 flower brooches and three head bands it is this special girl's 9th birthday birthday today i would love to share her story but i would need to get permission from her and my parents just know she is a miracle cioa readers, you mean the world to me much love Philippa

On the 31 January 2001 I wrote this in some journal type thing: “I am so full of dreams and desires for my life.   I can’t make out what anyone points to and I find that a bit scary.   I know for sure there are many things I want to accomplish but I can’t find the specific, right thing.   I want to help people.   I want to learn different languages and tap my talents.   I want to learn to dance and to cook and take art lessons.   I want to be known.   I want passion, I want adventure.   I want culture and history and sometimes, I’ll want stability.   I want to experience life.   I want to be a teacher.   I want the right the wrongs.   I want to kick some druggie butts and put kids in their places.   I want a house with a swimming pool.   There must be trees and I’ll grow herbs and flowers.   I want a husband who is like me, but at the same time very different.   He must be hard working, honest, intelligent, ...

We have just had a lovely holiday Well lovely-ish It was a holiday at my parent's house And Emiel had loads of assignments You would have thought that a holiday with internet access would have meant a post a day But I had other things to do I got to see a special wonderful, friend who I haven't seen for ages I cooked in freedom I made bagels, twice and soups and sauces I made coconut butter (not buttery enough need a better food processor) and cookies I made brownies, dairy free of course! I rested as much as I could with two sick littlies I watched William and Kate get married and was blown away by a service that spoke of God and was real about marriage And I learnt more about myself and my husband And I think we maybe know how to move forward All in all it was a good holiday Philippa

Why is it so hard to put some words down on this page? I have so much to say! A lot of of it is good stuff, some of it is a bit fluffly around the edges. Ok, here goes: I think for the first time in my life I know what it means to be working out my salvation (Phil 2:12). I don't know why it has taken me 24 years (yup, I got saved when I was 4) to get to this space. I haven't gotten it all figured out like I think I had always done in the past. I am less intersted in Christian culture.  It doesn't always translate into Jesus culture. I can't handle the huge debate on end times and methods of baptism and denominations and names for things my brain refuses to memorise.  The truth is that as Christians we are all brothers and sisters, or does your Bible say something different? And I am a bit of a hypocrite, I would rather love the poor, visibly broken person then the one I see on a regular, church-like basis.  I was really upset with myself when I ...

When I was younger, particularly around the time of my 25th birthday, the idea of growing up really, really BUGGED me.  And then life happened wham!  It is not so much that I don't want to grow up as much as I don't want the expectations of others to dictate the direction of my life.  I know that sounds immature, but heck, I have to live my life don't I?  I often do things a bit wonky.  Because the societal/Christian norm is for my life to look like XYZ by whatever age I would be like, "Um, no, I'd rather it didn't."  My rebellion was not, however, really all that well thoughout so there would be no alternative, just a fat hole into which I could fall.  I see the error in my way!  BUT, and this is kind of a biggie, I am not all that happy with the grown-up stuffy that I think I have achieved (that being said I think some people still view um, where I am at this stage in my life as immaturity.)  I like loud music t...

I have the morning off!!!   Woohoo!!!  Little victory dance!!! I LOVE MY GORGEOUS, AMAZING, WONDERFUL HUSBAND!!!  We watched Fireproof again yeasterday morning and the thing that spoke the most to the wife was knowing that her husband heard what she was saying (that's my take on it anyway.)  My love heard what I was saying!!! Quite late last night my husband and I were put in a situation that had us worrying a bit.  I don't generally like worrying, even though I do it so well, so I decided I needed wisdom which led me to Proverbs.  Why Proverbs you may ask?  I guess, because in my humanness I wanted a quick fix solution and Proverbs is known as a Wisdom book...    The first verse was this: "Keep what you know to yourself, and you will be safe; talk too much, and you are done for." Proverbs 13:3 (CEV) Um, ok!  I am really not sure what to say about that.   I don't talk too much ...

i heart my life alexander at 7 months baby b at 7 months my two gorgeous little people this morning i feel content and well rounded i have strong views but i would rather be a (passive-as in non-violent) activist then a sheep i know the Bible refers to the us's as being like sheep that's cool, i will be a sheep that follows a shepherd BUT i will not be a sheep that follows the masses see i heart my life i am 28 i know my mind i make hearts i hide veggies in my son's food i look at my calves in a beautiful mirror everytime i walk up the stairs i'm bursting with heart like, love ideas love you muchly my readers Philippa 

I recently made an observation (by way of a comment from my mom) of my life.  I have changed.  I have grown.  I have blossomed.  And it would not have happened if life had not been so grossly uncomfortable for the last bunch of years. Hindsight really is a gift.  I was able to look back, ok maybe for the first time in many months, and see the thread weaving through.  I can see why one door closed and how another opened and how, while one path crumbled (think Indiana Jones type path crumbling), a new one appeared.  (So wierd, but my brain is seeing this in video game format.)   I can see that my heart broken, body rocking crying was not for nothing.  I've started to feel life pumping through my veins.  Please don't get me wrong, and think that I was unhappy being a wife and mother, this is something I was made to be.  But something was missing in me. One of things I have realised is that my ...

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care--then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedi...

Ok, the title is maybe not honest.  I'm too dang hot to be happy.  I do not like being hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now that that is over...  I feel like I am rediscovering this lost part of myself.  While all this new stuff is being born something old and special is finding its space amongst the crazy.  I really appreciate the timing.  I had written in my last post on my other blog ( http://becauseiamredeemed.blogspot.com/ ) about the poetry I used to write.  It was dark and inttense and fueled by alcohol and anger and hurt.  At that time I was at fashion school creating, maybe not the best stuff, but creating none the less.   When I was lifted out of the very gross pit I'd climbed in I stopped writing. I stopped creating. I think being a mom living the un... I don't know, un-something life I live I've needed desperately for it to come back to life. I remember when I was in Gr6 or 7 how I co...

this is me i cry i cry on good days(obviously) i cry on bad days (been going that a bit too much) i cry watching adverts i cry in movies and listening to certain music i cry watching extreme makeover home edition i cry reading about baby Ollie and her amazing family i cry watching the news i cry thinking about babies being abandoned i really have a squishyheart and i don't think it is a bad thing sometimes other people do i remember in fashion school i was once hauled into my lecturer's office and told to toughen up because my squishyheart would not handle the fashion world at other times i, by my own hand, added cement and brick to build up a wall around it i think it even became stone at times i think God has been reminding me that He made me this way, the squishyheart way i think what He has done as well, to make it a squishyheart that doesn't just pump lumpy custard, is burden me to take action  there is a something a brewing love ya muchly ...

I know its a blog, but it doesn't really need words...

What I'm getting at, friends, is that you should simply keep on doing what you've done from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I'm separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.  Do everything readily and cheerfully--no bickering, no second-guessing allowed!  Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night  so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing.  Even if I am executed here and now, I'll rejoice in being an element in th...

Imagine that all of the world's problems could be changed simply by us all changing how we view things. Odd thought I know, but today I discovered again, that we don't all have the same perspective on things. And that can make life a bit tense, when a bunch of differnet people with different perspectives try live life, community, family together. The thing though, is if we are God's children, shouldn't we have His perspective? I think we've made the Christian walk so complicated that it looks like a bunch of individual perspectives. This may sound silly, but don't we all want the same thing? As far as my funk is concerned I have some big things to pray for. Please just pray for Emiel and I for wisdom and discernment. Please also pray that God brings godly people to speak into our lives, who will walk with us. Au revoir beautiful readers. Philippa p.s. New post at because i am redeemed for those who are reading

I'd said I'd come back with recipe after my last post and while the space I'm in is probably worse then before I have been determined to come up with something yum. Yesterday I made a dairy free banana bread that we could only eat today as it had to be refridgerated. It was a bit sweet and someone else's recipe, so I'll give you the link if you want it. Alexander loves the banana bread. I also made whole-wheat sweet potato cookies. I need to perfect the recipe before I share it. That being said the yumminess of these cookies has meant there aren't many left. Thursdays are student house family dinner, meaning we have the students over to our section of the house and I cook. The cooking was a nightmare experience as Emiel was at surf coaching and I had Alexander and Beatrice both needing me. Let me tell you what I managed to do in an hour: I started the sauce for the pasta with Alexander on my hip or on the counter. I then made popcorn to keep him...

I am going to give you the moral of the story first, so that you can make an educated decision as to whether you actually want to read this very journal like, introspective post.  The moral is this, we have to make the choice in life to look at the good and to sometimes disregard the bad.  It is very easy to see the bad and sometimes more difficult to see the good.  But let me tell you it is soooooo easy to become a miserable revolting mess.  You have been warned. I cried much of the day yesterday, big body rocking, snot producing snobs.  I cried yesterday because it was my birthday.  And because it was my birthday, I woke up in a funk.  And because I was in a funk I screamed at my parents in a horrible, hysterical, yucky fashion.  And because I did that I woke up this morning knowing I had yet again damaged the relationship with  my mom.  My eyes were swollen and piggy and I realised that all the sore I felt on the day...

Wife, mother, titles I wear with pride but sometimes frustration.  The photo's are supposed to be the other way around because I am wife first and then mom. Mamma to Alexander and Beatrice Emiel's wife   I love being Emiel's wife.  And as much as I don't always get the wifey stuff right I love trying.  It brings me so much pleasure to prepare food that tastes good and I know will be good for him.  I make a point of dressing in a way that I know will catch his eye (so it is really beyond me that my wardrobe is so sparce at the moment.)  I want to be the best for him, that he feels daily that God gave him his heart's desire. I've said before how grateful I am to be a mom.  My children are the most amazing gifts and I believe signs of God's favour.  Alexander is the most beautiful litle boy any mom could ask for, and Beatrice is truly the happiest baby.  I am priveleged. Happy girl, who l...

 The Us's abou to walk to town  Us in doing our nerdy look UI am craving community.  And please don't get me wrong, it is not that community is not offered at the church we go to, I just need people that are a bit more like me.  We are different, and I don't think that is a bad thing it just doesn't make it easy to always fit in.  We have kids that we are raising a certain way.  We listen to certian types of music and read certain types of books.  We nothing, I just need people.  I am loving the bloggy world, I'm reading the blogs of all these amazing people, but they are not my people.  I don't know really what my people are like.  Ok, that being said I have some beautiful, special friends.  I love them dearly.  Ok, maybe it is more a couple thing.  We need our people.  And by that I mean we need the people that we raise children with.  We used to have something like that at our previous church, but when...

Yeah and wow.  We have a gorgeous enormous, loud, gusty, wind blowing storm after a hot day.  i love the change in weather and I love freak weather.  That being said I don't love the loss of life or possession.  It just blows my mind that God-engineered weather can be so explosive at times.   Emiel says I am a bit of a nautral disasters kind of gal.  SO you may be wondering how The Challenge has been going.  Well  until a little while ago it wasn't.  Since being grossly sick, my sweet-natured Bea also got sick.  I was so mad at myself, but I don't think there was anything I could have really done.  She had a fever the whole day yesterday, but still maintained just the most lovely nature.  This child is something amazing. The gorgeous storm outside has stopped but it was replaced with a storm of another kind (no the storm wasn't as quick as all that, but mommy was called on duty as daddy is surf coaching).  To...

"A long December, and there's reason to believe   Maybe this year will be better than the last" A Long December (Counting Crows) So maybe December wasn't that long, and I guess the way December is used doesn't really apply to us as we have long hot December's not cold ones, but I really was hoping this year would be better then last year. I am in a very fragile place, yet another door has closed and it seems as though we are in trouble for not doing the things expected of us properly.  But for the point of not continuing down the really dark road that it seems I am taking I am going to tell you about the things that make me happy. My husband.  I didn't think I would ever get the guy I thougt was good looking and at one point I was preparing myself to become a nun.  My man is my safe place.   I love Emiel more than words can explain and I am so grateful for him in my life. My children.  It is the most amazing p...