a thousand blue fish

The light on the side of my face really is very hot. My eyes are itchy and I have a kink in the back of my neck. Without my glasses the blurred spot my eyes are attempting to fix on is not holding my concentration. I can feel my body beginning to slacken (is that the right word?) and my jaw beginning to droop. Come on Philippa, pull yourself together. I start tapping my toes inside my shoes. Music plays, ladies singing sultrily to men they don't want but need. It's not working and my eyelids are starting to slide over my eyeballs. I can't believe this, I'm battling to stay awake in front of a group of artists staring at my face... No, this isn't some freakish nightmare.  It's God's sense of humour and something that has made me smile.  When I did my first one-year stint at varsity (that is a whole other series of posts) the art school needed models.  For some strange reason I so desperately wanted to do it.  But my insecurity and body issue stopped ...

My life’s to do list (written the same time I wrote my list for the husband I wanted ): -learn to surf -travel up Africa -do a photography course -write a book -learn to be completely honest (before I’m 22) (so I have learnt to be completely honest and if I am dishonest it is very intentional.   Um, let me rephrase that, if I am dishonest now I am aware of it as soon as it happens and usually correct myself.   Really, really embarrassing!) -learn to sew perfectly (this could take me forever) -learn to cook -take art lessons -get to my perfect weight (I'm mostly happy with the way I am now) -get fit (short term) (ha, ha, ha, so that didn’t happen until recently) -make a movie -create a garden -have a library of books -create a school level program aimed at self-esteem through the arts -start a feeding and welfare program for AIDs orphans -dye my hair black once -get a tattoo -learn how to play the guitar -get my skin sorted out (short term) -save a R1000 (increase that as I r...

On the 31 January 2001 I wrote this in some journal type thing: “I am so full of dreams and desires for my life.   I can’t make out what anyone points to and I find that a bit scary.   I know for sure there are many things I want to accomplish but I can’t find the specific, right thing.   I want to help people.   I want to learn different languages and tap my talents.   I want to learn to dance and to cook and take art lessons.   I want to be known.   I want passion, I want adventure.   I want culture and history and sometimes, I’ll want stability.   I want to experience life.   I want to be a teacher.   I want the right the wrongs.   I want to kick some druggie butts and put kids in their places.   I want a house with a swimming pool.   There must be trees and I’ll grow herbs and flowers.   I want a husband who is like me, but at the same time very different.   He must be hard working, honest, intelligent, ...