a thousand blue fish

It's late and my thoughts might come out a bit smooshed, but I have to get into the practice of doing this again. Today was hard.  This week was hard. I started work after a seriously short holiday, with longing in my heart to stay home with Oliver.  My heart breaks for the mothers who have to work, I know there are those you want to, but there are many more who have to. My heart breaks for myself.  At this stage we have no idea what to do with our precious youngest child.  At 14 months he is getting too big and busy to still come to work with me and we cannot afford to put him into a playschool.  I am very grateful that he is able to be with Emiel. It works, for now, kinda.     Beatrice started big school this week.  It has been exhausting, even trying to type this is exhausting. She uses so much energy trying to be good, trying to listen, trying to concentrate, trying to sit still that the minute steps out of the school building she lets g...

I know that I have been scarce and, to be honest I have very good reason.  Our laptop is still...well...sad and though I am uber blessed to have a spiffy iPhone 4S blogging from it is not the most fun thing I could be doing. My darling hubs thought it would be best we took a chance and set up the laptop, I think I was starting to worry him.  Creatively, except for Instagram, I am suffering just a tad.  So here I am doing what I love best, blogging. (And now I am sitting here wondering what to blog about.  And my darling hubs has music on that is only distracting me more) About a week ago, while at the park with my class, it suddenly dawned on me that we live in Japan.  We have moved out of the newness feel and are settled.  Our days are filled with children, ours and other peoples, grocery store visits, bicycle rides, runs, moments lost staring out of the window and laundry.  We are happy, happier than I would have thought possible two m...

We applied for our Alien Card and got medical (provided by the state) and some other grants yesterday.  The experience was overwhelming for me.  It made the differences just so much more evident.  The Japanese run things so efficiently and smoothly.  I am most definitely not saying this is a bad thing.  The experience was overwhelming because of my children.  The place we went to is open plan- everyone sits together.  This shouldn't be a problem, but with Alexander performing like a circus animal (by Japanese standards) my nerves were shot.  And with the noise he made I expected the workforce to come to a standstill but they didn't, they didn't even acknowledge him.  In South Africa my son has caught the attention of everyone in the grocery store. I am not overwhelmed now, I am missing my family so bad, but I know God has called us here and will comfort me here.  We are excited to be in the Will of God, the sweetest spot to be. ...

I am saying outright that there will be no photo's with this post-its late and I'm just too tired.  We're still feeling the jet lag and the time difference. Japan is feeling more and more like home, that being said I am still referring to my beloved South Africa as home.  I wonder can I have two homes?  Alexander is still asking to go granny's house.  We spent so much time at my parents house... I am trying heard not to think to much about family, because I miss them so intensely and I just know that I'll spend days in tears if I do. We went to Costco today.  For those of you that are wondering what that is, it is a huge wholesale store (American) and they sell everything.  The experience was rather thrilling.  We bought loads and spent very little (we think).  We found raw almonds which is a bonus as the only nuts we've found are roasted. A side note:  Beatrice has woken up and is screaming!!!! Emiel is trying to get her back to sleep ...

I was so scared of being mommy to a little girl.  Beatrice you have so changed my heart,  you are a precious, bubbly sparkly little girl.

When I first became a mother I was overjoyed with my bundle.  I adored him and most aspects of motherhood, but lets be honest nothing grossed me out more than runny noses or 'oopsies' after feeds.  As much as I loved Alexander he was kept at a distance until he was properly wiped.  This squeamishness comes from being repulsed by wet tissues, vommitting children when I baby sat as a teenager, the way chicken skin gets soft when boiled, soggy biscuits, bad smells, etc.  The list is really extensive.  I am very well brought up though, so few people will ever witness my gag reflex. And then came baba number 2 With Alexander I was constantly worried about so many unnecessary things, but when Beatrice popped out and my milk was not sustaining her she went on formula.  It was that simple.  Something in me changed.  And so the morning I left for my first day at my temporary receptionists job, dried snot, the slimy kind, had to be wiped off my ca...

At home before our trip to Home Affairs Rebbeca our ...pay for your parking lady The wonderful people at Home Affairs I am sure you are all wondering just how exciting the experience was.  Well, to be completely honest the only negative part our time there was our beautiful boy child.  Alexander is really testing our patience. Parenting note:  Consistency is the most important thing about discipline.   Please add Rebecca to the list of prayer needs.  She is a Zimbabwean who is desperate to for a job that will provide more for her family.  The job she earns now is commission based and she happens to be in the slowest area.   I was just so aware of her mother's heart and her willingness to do anything.  Please pray for her.   And I want to encourage you wherever you are, pray for your government and honour them.  I really know and believe that if we are faithful in lifting up our countries to God He wil...

Oh man, God is soooo good! We went and did our passport photo's this afternoon in preparation for our trip to Home Affairs early tomorrow morning.  What an experience.  Alexander, darling heart, refused to co-operate.  The end result is an angry, mug-shot type photo.  Beatrice is teething again.  Her photo is the only shot they could get that didn't have gob running down her chin or her tongue hanging out.  Emiel is gorgeous sporting the early stages of a Movember and me well, what can I say, its a passport photo... Please pray that the passport process goes quickly! And on other fronts Alexander and his daddy really, really cannot eat sugar and gluten!  They bounce and then pass out.  Not cool.   Emiel, Alexander and my brother, Anthony   Much love Philippa

My life’s to do list (written the same time I wrote my list for the husband I wanted ): -learn to surf -travel up Africa -do a photography course -write a book -learn to be completely honest (before I’m 22) (so I have learnt to be completely honest and if I am dishonest it is very intentional.   Um, let me rephrase that, if I am dishonest now I am aware of it as soon as it happens and usually correct myself.   Really, really embarrassing!) -learn to sew perfectly (this could take me forever) -learn to cook -take art lessons -get to my perfect weight (I'm mostly happy with the way I am now) -get fit (short term) (ha, ha, ha, so that didn’t happen until recently) -make a movie -create a garden -have a library of books -create a school level program aimed at self-esteem through the arts -start a feeding and welfare program for AIDs orphans -dye my hair black once -get a tattoo -learn how to play the guitar -get my skin sorted out (short term) -save a R1000 (increase that as I r...

On the 31 January 2001 I wrote this in some journal type thing: “I am so full of dreams and desires for my life.   I can’t make out what anyone points to and I find that a bit scary.   I know for sure there are many things I want to accomplish but I can’t find the specific, right thing.   I want to help people.   I want to learn different languages and tap my talents.   I want to learn to dance and to cook and take art lessons.   I want to be known.   I want passion, I want adventure.   I want culture and history and sometimes, I’ll want stability.   I want to experience life.   I want to be a teacher.   I want the right the wrongs.   I want to kick some druggie butts and put kids in their places.   I want a house with a swimming pool.   There must be trees and I’ll grow herbs and flowers.   I want a husband who is like me, but at the same time very different.   He must be hard working, honest, intelligent, ...

My next daughter is going to be called Rizpah Ava Liebenberg I am not pregnant and no, we have not started adopting yet I just know this is her name What it also means is that she will be a woman who reminds a heartless world to feel compassion Rizpah means hot coal and Ava, life Rizpah, in the Bible, was one of Saul's concubine's David out of a place of fear handed her children to the Gibeonite's who slaughtered them and left there bodies exposed "But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bore to Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth, and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she bore to Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite. And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites. And they hanged them in the hill before Jehovah. And they fell, seven together, and were put to death in the days of harvest, in the first days , in the beginning of barley harvest. And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread i...

So my weekend went like this: My hope is not what it should be, hoplessness is starting to creep in Emiel leaves for camp I watch a stupid movie and feel scared My hope fades just a bit more I do my very best to keep my little people happy and content while their daddy is away Alexander is really not happy his daddy is away My hope continues fading I have plans to go my parents for Saturday Phone my dad who says my mom has had another allergic reaction to a medication I end up trying to clean and leave later then expected Get a text message from my dad saying I need to get there He needs to go out and my mom doesn't want to be left alone Suddenly it dawns on me that this reaction is quite serious My hope is fading fast I arrive at my parents' house with the littlies in tow I rush to my mom who has been trying to sleep She asks if her eyes are red Her face is swollen This is the third reaction And this time it was to Paracetamol (one of the components in the other meds) My mom...

We have just had yet another most unpleasant supper. One in which my 2 year old has screamed and cried and protested. His refusal to eat supper breaks my heart but his out right defiance and stubbornness steeles my resolve. We had to send him to bed without anything. And still he shouts 'No' everytime we tell him to go to sleep. I am so not into this. Its so easy to fall into the trap of battling it out in a full blown screaming match. Then my darling daughter decided she was not going to sleep. She is physically very strong so trying to rock her firmly only causes her to twist into wierd positions. While she does this she starts screaming louder and louder. To be honest I don't have the energy for this, so I tricked her. I had her sit upright on my knee and began a gentle bounce. She was asleep in no time, Alexander on the other hand is still awake. And then in other areas of my life I am faced with a situation I don't know how to handle. My normal appr...

my morning of went a bit like this: i had a mushy brain couldn't write much, but i felt like a new person by the time i saw my husband and my littlies my husband felt like he'd had real time with our children who behaved like angels these are some of the pics he took of them so the final thoughton the matter i am going to fave a morning to myself once a week! yeah!!!