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Today started out so badly.  We had been waiting for a phone call.  The phone call would have been to say that Emiel can start working at a school we've been involved with.  The longer we waited the more fear rose up in me.  I am in this place where I am really not sure we've made the right decisions.  That being said it could just be how uncomfortable our situation has become.  The small things are obvious but the bigger ones seem elusive.  What is supposed to happen for an income?  Big question for most people.  I know God is in control and I know that if I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33) things like money He'll take care of. 

Man I'm being a baby.  I am sitting here typing and my chest is closing up and I want to cry big salty cathartic tears. This morning my chest was so tight I thought I might die. I don't like fear.  When I moved back in with my parent's after my time at fashion school, I had night mares for about 6 months.  I was terrified someone was going to jump over the wall and do damage.  Fear is rotten and it is debilitating and it is not from God.

The reason this blog is titled Legacy is this, my fear spoke something to my son, who exhibited some really funky behaviour.  Parenting is not for pansies.  We have the responsibility of having to model the best possible life.  If I do not sort out my issues whatever they may be, I will see them manifesting in my children.  The financial thing is huge.  If Emiel and I cannot become excellent stewards of our finance our children will not know how to work with their money.  If we do not example good marriage how will they know what a good marriage is supposed to look like?  When Emiel and I got engaged our fights were disasterous.  I fought loud, I fought.  Emiel on the other hand retreated and wouldn't discuss anything.  We both learnt how to fight by watching (or being involved in) what was happened with our parents and siblings. 

SO what I want to say is this, Alexander and Beatrice deserve to have parents who are happy, whole and growing.  My children deserve to have parents who know who they are in Christ (because that is what we believe) and know what God has before them.  My children did not choose to have Emiel or I.  So my fear take a hike, you are not welcome or wanted.  I choose to be all that I need to be so that Alexander and Beatrice will grow into people that are happy and whole, who love and are loved.



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