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Grief

I have started without finishing more posts than I can count.  I have and still do find it very difficult to put down the words that will most likely open the sluice gates I am not sure I am willing to open.  
We were living in Japan when we received the phone call from my mother telling me that my father had chosen to take his life.  My mother felt it necessary to tell me before I read it on Facebook.  
I don't want to talk about suicide now or how damn angry I am with him, I will at some stage, I need to share what life is like for those left behind.  I do want to talk about how grief is like the scene of a train wreck.  
For years I had prided myself in my ability to self-evaluate.  I new I was insecure, or if I had treated someone unkindly.  I was able to prejudge my emotions and navigate them before they caused damage.  I have always been deep, but I had moved clear of the precipice leading to despair.  
Grief comes like a thief in the night.  It robs you of what you hold mos…
Recent posts

The first week of school

It's late and my thoughts might come out a bit smooshed, but I have to get into the practice of doing this again.

Today was hard.  This week was hard.

I started work after a seriously short holiday, with longing in my heart to stay home with Oliver.  My heart breaks for the mothers who have to work, I know there are those you want to, but there are many more who have to. My heart breaks for myself.  At this stage we have no idea what to do with our precious youngest child.  At 14 months he is getting too big and busy to still come to work with me and we cannot afford to put him into a playschool.  I am very grateful that he is able to be with Emiel. It works, for now, kinda.    

Beatrice started big school this week.  It has been exhausting, even trying to type this is exhausting. She uses so much energy trying to be good, trying to listen, trying to concentrate, trying to sit still that the minute steps out of the school building she lets go.  I am finding it harder to deal with…

I overthink things...

I have spent months thinking about revisiting blogging.  Each time the need to express myself arises it is quashed by the fear of grammar or spelling errors, or mistyping things, which happens so easily when you are typing faster than your brain is working.  Or making supper takes priority.  Or homework needs to be done.  Or work needs to be completed.  Or I am just so tired from my day and life that I can't string a sentence together let alone allow my thought the freedom to roam.

Enough.

I need this.

Most of the time there is a bit too much life.

I need to write, to express, to share.

That is all, for now.

Peace be with you
Philippa

Well hello there

I know that I have been scarce and, to be honest I have very good reason.  Our laptop is still...well...sad and though I am uber blessed to have a spiffy iPhone 4S blogging from it is not the most fun thing I could be doing. My darling hubs thought it would be best we took a chance and set up the laptop, I think I was starting to worry him.  Creatively, except for Instagram, I am suffering just a tad.  So here I am doing what I love best, blogging.
(And now I am sitting here wondering what to blog about.  And my darling hubs has music on that is only distracting me more)
About a week ago, while at the park with my class, it suddenly dawned on me that we live in Japan.  We have moved out of the newness feel and are settled.  Our days are filled with children, ours and other peoples, grocery store visits, bicycle rides, runs, moments lost staring out of the window and laundry.  We are happy, happier than I would have thought possible two months ago.  We still have moments of missing ev…

Alexander gets lost

Last night we lost Alexander while shopping.  We'd actually gone to look for a blanket for bicycle rides and he was really excited.  We'd also allowed him to walk beside us not attached to us.  Being 2 he abused this privilege and bolted.  I don't know why we took so long to register that we couldn't see him or why nobody paid us any attention when we started screaming his name.  Last night I'm sure I became the crazy gajin (foreigner) ranting.  Imagine the scene: I'm dressed like a ... I don't know-someone who didn't go to fashion school... and my eyes are already red and swollen from crying (another tale for another time.)  Bebe calmly perched on my hip, didn't even peep.  Emiel had the sense to remember that Alexander had wanted to go downstairs and went to look for him.  Alexander had taken himself down the escalators (I hated the stupid moving stairs before now I have even more yucky emotion towards them).  A woman on the basement floor found …

Bicycle People and why that is important

On Friday we became bicycle people and joined the masses of other bicycle people in Japan.  The bicycles were a gift from the mother of a child in my class.  She also goes to the church we go to.  She was so sweet about it and so used by God.  You see that morning as I'd walked to school I'd told my Daddy God that birthdays have away of making me sad.  I got a bit disappointed when I found out my birthday and Alexander's wasn't go to be going the way we'd planned. My last year behavior would have had me sulking and moaning and just generally a big old emotional wreck.  (I know why, and I'm working on it.) But on that Friday morning I told my Daddy God that I know He loves me and that He knows me and that I was going to sort my attitude out.  This was while I was rushing to school after waking up late.  I was also carrying Alexander who was cold and his leg was sore and he couldn't walk and I don't know what else that only happens when walking to or from…

"I am happy Mom"

Today was Alexander's first field trip and well, my first field trip as a teacher.  We went to the Momofoku Ando Instant Ramen Museum- the birthplace of instant noodles.  With 11 little people, Alexander being the most unruly, my nerves were somewhat frayed by the time we got back to school.  Alexander has a way of fraying my nerves at the moment.  He has reached a new level of stubbornness that would frighten most mere mortals, but I am not a mere mortal, I am his mother.  The most amusing or irritating thing he has come up with is "I am happy Mom" when I have to discipline him.  Yes, Alexander, you are happy and I am happy for you, but I am more interested in how happy you will be in your future. I just know as I know that if I am not able to bend his will in the right direction he will grow up to be man that is forceful, hard and demanding.

In other news, my sister's boyfriend is fine.  It turned out to be something minor, but painful.  I really miss home when I t…