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What is up with my attitude?

I am going to give you the moral of the story first, so that you can make an educated decision as to whether you actually want to read this very journal like, introspective post.  The moral is this, we have to make the choice in life to look at the good and to sometimes disregard the bad.  It is very easy to see the bad and sometimes more difficult to see the good.  But let me tell you it is soooooo easy to become a miserable revolting mess.

 You have been warned.
I cried much of the day yesterday, big body rocking, snot producing snobs.  I cried yesterday because it was my birthday.  And because it was my birthday, I woke up in a funk.  And because I was in a funk I screamed at my parents in a horrible, hysterical, yucky fashion.  And because I did that I woke up this morning knowing I had yet again damaged the relationship with  my mom.  My eyes were swollen and piggy and I realised that all the sore I felt on the day most everyone I know is stoked (I am a surfer's wife, we use words like that) about, needs to be sorted out.  I learnt quite a bit actually and I want to share it with you:

1. I have major birthday hurt from birthdays having been forgotten in the past (ok it might have only been once) and just being too damn poor  for a bunch of years.

2. I have MAJOR church hurt.  I am a broken, crumbly, gross, mess as a result of things that happened in my previous church.  Man oh man!  I have the hugest walls put up now towards the people in my current church and because of that I am super critical of everything I see.  Yuck!!!!!!!  And how unGodly!!!!!  This most definitely has to stop.  I have realised (through my mom pointing it out) that my attitude is obvious and stinky (my thoughts on the matter).  How am I glorifying God in this?  

3.  I have a skewed perception of what others think of me.  It is always an overwhelming experience that Lucy, darling friend, wants to see me on my birthday (which she did yesterday) and blesses me with gifts and a thoughtout card.  It is always the card that floors me.  The way she sees me and the way I think she sees me are two totally different things.  

4.  I hate Valentine's Day.  For years on Valentine's day I was desperate for the card or rose or chocolate that all the other little girls (ok, maybe not all) got.  In the beginning my parent's would do something special.  As I got older my need to be noticed became more intense.  It really hurt me on that stupid day that I was not noticed (if it was as simple as that).  Then at about 13 I finally had a boyfriend (I think he was my boyfriend).  Finally somthing good was about to happen.  But he didn't get me anything.   And I think because I got him something his mom did a V card which he gave me the next day on my birthday!!!!!!!!  Years later on my first Very Horrible day with the love of my life, he splurged on that day and had no money for my birthday.   

5.  As bad as I felt yesterday, I felt so silly, no, stupid, sitting at a dinner that was gifted to us by our pastor and his wife, realising I don't honour people on their birthdays and I am not a grateful person.

AND FINALLY my tendency of late, to see the glass half empty, to pick out all the wrong, to focus on the yuck stuff, is SO not good enough!!!!!!  I am going to write out a list of the things that I am grateful for and put it up in a spot where I can see it every morning.  I am going to read it before I get it out of the bed.  And I AM going to CHOOSE to start my day off in a good space. 

So I love all of you and I thank you for reading.  The very next post is going have a recipe!!!!! I think I want to write a cookbook.  One that I think is beautiful with food that my family thinks is super delicious.

Be blessed and choose to keep growing, even if you find the process as painful as I do.  I serve a gracious, loving God who allows me these moments, but in loving Him in return I don't want to keep having them.



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