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*before i share with you what is on my heart i just want to apologise for the small caps and possible typo's. I am not able to get as much internet use as i'd like. I can use my husbands phone to post stuff, but it not the most fun way to do things. (and after apologising for small caps the phone as decided to capitalize the beginning of the sentence letters.) anyways, blogging is my happy space and not blogging means i am less happy, so please forgive what looks boring and possible blurry pictures*

my hubs and i are about to do yet another major clean of our home. Its kinda cluttered and full of unneccassary (must check spelling) stuff that may be a blessing to others. I've just sat and let my eye run over everything and i got stuck on our book shelves. We have loads of books, and they're mostly christian. A lot are text books for Emiel who is studying theology. I remember in the past how my heart would swell up with pride when people came over. It was like i felt that my christianity was bolstered by what was on display on my bookshelf. Tonight we have a friend and her husband coming over. She's my friend she knows me, he doesn't. Suddenly i'm aware of those books. I want the oppurtunity to show Jesus before my christanese, my books, all my conditioning says something other then what my heart is saying. Crikey, i've spent so many years in christian circles i'm not sure i even know how to be different. I can't imagine Jesus sitting with the tax collectors and prostitutes, speaking in spiritual tones. And i really don't think Jesus was saying i love you, i think his actions were saying it. I don't want to be a white washed tomb. I want to have my love for people precede them seeing my bookcase. Does that make any sense? I'm trying hard to figure this all out.

I personally am tired of speaking christianese

if i am not loving people what am i doing?

I don't find it easy to love people. And i have the terrible idea that certain people deserve my love more then others.

The end.

Missed writing for you
Philippa
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