Skip to main content

Dreaming (Alli, you might see somthing in common)

On the 31 January 2001 I wrote this in some journal type thing:
“I am so full of dreams and desires for my life.  I can’t make out what anyone points to and I find that a bit scary.  I know for sure there are many things I want to accomplish but I can’t find the specific, right thing.  I want to help people.  I want to learn different languages and tap my talents.  I want to learn to dance and to cook and take art lessons.  I want to be known.  I want passion, I want adventure. 
I want culture and history and sometimes, I’ll want stability.  I want to experience life.  I want to be a teacher.  I want the right the wrongs.  I want to kick some druggie butts and put kids in their places.  I want a house with a swimming pool.  There must be trees and I’ll grow herbs and flowers.  I want a husband who is like me, but at the same time very different.  He must be hard working, honest, intelligent, artistic and gentle.  He must be passionate about God, people, our children and me.  I want children who love God and life.  I want friends and a social life.  I want to see the world.  I want to write a book.  I want to communicate better.  I want to always be relaxed.  I want clothes and I want money.  I want to learn to make chocolate.  I want to hear God’s voice, really experience Him.  I want to write poetry.  I want to always feel the way certain songs make me feel.  I want to be compassionate, caring and perseverant.  I want to learn how to play guitar once and for all. I want to learn how to speak my mind and not lose my cool.  I want my family always to be safe, loved and happy.” 
I wrote this when I was two weeks away from my18th birthday.  
I decided to post this as a beginning of something new, the next step.  You'll have to watch to see what happens.

Much love Philippa


Popular posts from this blog

Swollen-eye girl

My husband suggests I change my e-mail to swolleneyegirl@something.somethingelse.  It has something to do with the look of my right eye.  Little children, mine, were playing rough in my bed.  One child, the boy, pushes the other child, the girl, and that child lands on/in my eye.  What happened as a result is a fracture in the bone behind the eye.  Not really a problem, but I blew my nose a bit later.  This pushed air through the fracture in the sinus and it popped my eye out of the socket.   Luckily I was able to put it back.  I have to rest my eye and not blow my nose for 10days.  But God is so faithful, it could have been worse, the eye doctor blessed us with huge discount and another patient offered us a free family photo shoot.

And in other news we will be picking up our visas on the 28th of December!!!!!!!  God is so faithful and we have seen miracle upon miracle happen!  We know He will continue to move all mountains!  Please continue to pray for us!

As sore as my eye is I am f…

Alexander gets lost

Last night we lost Alexander while shopping.  We'd actually gone to look for a blanket for bicycle rides and he was really excited.  We'd also allowed him to walk beside us not attached to us.  Being 2 he abused this privilege and bolted.  I don't know why we took so long to register that we couldn't see him or why nobody paid us any attention when we started screaming his name.  Last night I'm sure I became the crazy gajin (foreigner) ranting.  Imagine the scene: I'm dressed like a ... I don't know-someone who didn't go to fashion school... and my eyes are already red and swollen from crying (another tale for another time.)  Bebe calmly perched on my hip, didn't even peep.  Emiel had the sense to remember that Alexander had wanted to go downstairs and went to look for him.  Alexander had taken himself down the escalators (I hated the stupid moving stairs before now I have even more yucky emotion towards them).  A woman on the basement floor found …


I have started without finishing more posts than I can count.  I have and still do find it very difficult to put down the words that will most likely open the sluice gates I am not sure I am willing to open.  
We were living in Japan when we received the phone call from my mother telling me that my father had chosen to take his life.  My mother felt it necessary to tell me before I read it on Facebook.  
I don't want to talk about suicide now or how damn angry I am with him, I will at some stage, I need to share what life is like for those left behind.  I do want to talk about how grief is like the scene of a train wreck.  
For years I had prided myself in my ability to self-evaluate.  I new I was insecure, or if I had treated someone unkindly.  I was able to prejudge my emotions and navigate them before they caused damage.  I have always been deep, but I had moved clear of the precipice leading to despair.  
Grief comes like a thief in the night.  It robs you of what you hold mos…